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My Friend to the End and Beyond March 17, 2013

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Some people who come in to your life are epic. They make you see things you didn’t think were possible, they open up your heart and mind and you’re never the same after knowing them. I had one such friend.

When I met her I was suffering from extreme anxiety and things were very dark inside my head, but like a beacon of light and joy she bounced into my life and hooked me up with her body talk therapist who was significant to my recovery. We then became fast friends and a year later both of us were ready to have a baby. She would say to me that soon enough both of us would be bumping baby bellies together, and I was excited at the thought of both us of having a baby at the same time. However it didn’t work out that way, she had two really bad miscarriages, the second one happened while I was in the hospital giving birth to my daughter. Despite her loss she didn’t let it slow her step, she skipped into my hospital room genuinely happy for me, and you never would’ve known she was just down the hall getting a procedure to remove the lost life from her womb.

We didn’t see each other as much after I had the baby however I looked forward to the few coffee dates we did have. She was the only one I could talk to about certain things, I’d confess my deepest, most secret thoughts and she didn’t judge me, she helped me to air things out. I loved having that type of friendship in my life, in fact she was the only friend I’d ever said the words ‘I love you’ to.

One year ago today was the day I received the life changing news, she had cancer, it had spread to her liver and there was no cure. She had just turned 40 a month before but her response to the death sentence at her age was  “My life begins at 40”. I fully believed in her, she was the strongest person I’d ever known. She was the type of person who would beat the odds and go on to write books and give lectures on her survival story. At the time I’d just read about a Canadian celebrity Bif Naked, a singer song writer who had beat breast cancer and I thought how much alike they two of them were, both survivors. I believed she would beat it too, or at the very least out live doctors expectations. She died less than 3 months later.

How she died was  inspiring and so beautiful that I accepted her departure fully. I understood that’s the kind of person she was; she didn’t give up but she was impatient and she wasn’t going to wait around for death, if death was to come, let it come.

I went to visit her a month after her diagnosis, she was penniless, homeless and living at her estranged boyfriend’s mothers house. Although her life was at it’s darkest point and she’d lost a lot of weight from the cancer eating her insides, she looked  good. She still had that smile that looked like she had a funny secret she couldn’t wait to share with you. I went to visit her hoping to lift her spirits, instead I left feeling better. That’s how she was, she was selfless and never, ever felt sorry for herself, and through all of that pain and suffering she remained cheerful and smiling.

She died surrounded by her family, they said it was peaceful and she was happy. She died with a kind dignity and grace that is so rare.

Her death of course was not without magic (and a little mystery) she wouldn’t depart this earth without leaving a gift…and so when I received the news of her death I was with my daughter but needed to grieve, with tears streaming down my face I walked up the front steps of my house to take her upstairs to be with Grandma so I could have some time alone. As I left my house I saw Bif Naked walking her dog across the street, I was stunned. I left my daughter with her Grandma and got into my car to drive to the beach to process my emotions, at the corner of the street was Bif Naked again standing waiting for her dog, but it was like she was purposely hesitating. She was giving me a confused look, probably wondering why I was crying. If only she knew how fateful her decision to walk her dog down my street at that exact moment in time was. I’d never seen her in my neighborhood before and I haven’t seen her since

Sometimes life is like that, why Bif Naked was walking past my house at the very moment I received news of the passing of my friend, the friend I thought would beat her cancer like she did, is a mystery for me still.

Now on this one year anniversary perhaps the reason is a little clearer. First of all I’m a huge skeptic of everything supernatural. I believe the universe is a mysterious place and there are countless explanations for why things happen, however my friend wasn’t a skeptic at all, she fully believed in it as she’d experienced it herself.

Recently my husband went to see a new client for his job in IT, this woman who claims to do energy healing suddenly asked him if he had a sister or friend who died recently. She told him there was a tall blonde woman in her 30’s standing near him, her description of the female spirit was exact description of my friend that had passed away. She told him the female spirit kept repeatedly saying “you’re a good husband’ and that is the exact kind of thing my friend would say.

I miss my friend terribly, but to know she’s there watching over us brings me peace. That’s who she was, always looking out for the people she cared about. I’m so grateful for every single minute that she was my friend, that she was and always will be in my life, even after death.

My friend taught me many things, but the most important thing she taught me was how to always be grateful, to keep grace in your heart and love life no matter what it throws at you and always, always believe in magic.


I’m Baaaack! March 17, 2013

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raisetheroofSo after many wonderful comments (and now that I’ve settled comfortably into parenthood) I’m resurrecting this blog. I have many posts waiting to go so come back soon, I look forward to your comments and connecting with you!

Saying Goodbye to This Blog August 8, 2010

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First I would like to thank everyone who has supported me with this blog, and those who’ve taken the time to make a comment, I appreciate it.

Life is changing rapidly for many of us, for me, being pregnant with my first child, this change is huge! My priorities are changing and my inner guidance is pulling me in different directions.

In addition life is getting busier so I don’t have time for updates.

I will no longer post anything new on this blog, however I will keep it up for awhile as there are some articles I’ve written that have had a great response and I’d like people to be able to access these articles.

Happy trails to all

and remember

it’s all good! 🙂

Knowing the Difference Between Intuition and Ego Based Fear June 29, 2010

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There is a fine line between following our intuition/inner guidance and ego based fear nudges, often we can get these two things confused. I’ve found in my experience that true intuition is a quiet voice that gives me an idea I quickly shoo away for one reason or another.

Recently, I started a part time class in an art school I’ve always felt some disdain for as I feel they’re pretentious. It never would have happened if I’d listen to my fears.

About 2 months before, my mother offered to buy art supplies for me so I could start painting again and I turned her down. I made excuses for it at first; I didn’t want her to spend her money on me, too tired, pregnant and it’s too much right now etc etc, something in me said ‘no not right now’. However a quiet nudge said “take a class at that school” I put aside my excuses and got up the courage to ask if her offer still stood and if I could use it to take a class. She was more than happy to pay for it and I’m so glad she did, it’s exactly what I needed to get out of a rut and get motivated. I also realized that school is great for pushing the boundaries of how I approach a painting and forced me out of my box. It wasn’t the school that’s pretentious, it was my fear that I don’t belong there.

We’re in a time when our boundaries are getting pushed, we’re being tested and our old beliefs challenged. If we have the courage to push through whatever fears are holding us back we’ll reap great rewards. This period may be difficult but it’s a gift to us from the universe to be happy and finally heal,  sometimes we need a push to get there….and sometimes that forces us to do things we would never have considered before.

From now on whenever you have a feeling that prevents you from making a change or taking a risk; ask yourself if it’s your true inner guidance or your fears stopping you in your tracks.

Best of the Web (for your spirit) May 1, 2010

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This is the absolute best of the web! It’s when creativity, art and inspiration come together to create something so beautiful it can move you to tears.

185 people from around the world submitted video of themselves singing a part of Lux Aurumque.  They sang their part according to the video the conductor submitted of his timing. What you hear is all submitted videos in one and it’s stunning.


Have You Been Seeing Number Sequences Like 808, 909 and 919? April 27, 2010

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Want to know what one of the top search terms people used to find my blog this past month?

“What is the meaning of 555,909, 919”

One morning in March I kept waking up every hour and looking at the clock  6:06 then 7:07 then 8:08 and I finally got up at 9:09…by the time I made breakfast and did my morning things I looked at the clock 10:10, opened my email to see a new email sent by a client at 11:11.

Ever since I often look at the clock at it will be 9:09 then I will look again and it will be 9:19 or 8:08 or 8:18. I also see 555 on an almost regular basis and 888,999 and 000. The other thing I see daily is descending and ascending numbers.

These numbers will mean different things for different people however when several are seeing the same sequence of numbers at the same time it’s an activation of sorts. A message coming through.

I feel it’s a message that things (old paradigms) are coming to an end, a BIG end! Since January we’ve had massive earthquakes and crazy things happening with incredible frequency….to me these numbers mean, hang on we are on the right path, all is good and be prepared for change.

555 for me is a number I really don’t like to see, it always means I will get sick or something in my body will break. However what this number really means is change; energy is coming through that is sweeping change and that will effect us on a cellular level which is why the body can break down during these changes, especially when we aren’t in the best physical condition.

Descending numbers are the same thing, a warning of low energy and to be aware. I almost always see descending numbers in the early evening and it’s usually followed with me not feeling great.

Ascending numbers are a wonderful treat for me, it means good stuff is on it’s way and it never disappoints. Often I will see ascending numbers right after I see descending numbers as if the universe is saying, things might be a bit tough right now but chin up, it’s all good.

Right now it’s hailing very hard outside (so much for my newly planted herb garden) and it’s sunny at the same time…it’s rare that it hails here, especially in April and this spring we’ve had November type wind storms and spring in January…it’s all backwards and upside down…but it’s all good 🙂

Take Care

You Can’t See What’s Right if all You See is What’s Wrong April 8, 2010

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This morning, after writing an email to a friend complaining about my week, it suddenly hit me how ungrateful I sound. It’s not that I don’t have the right to vent, or have a bad week but it’s the emphasis on what’s wrong that made me see how much of what’s right I tend to block out.

When things feel wrong, nothing feels right and when things feel right, something must be wrong. How many of us suffer from that type of wonky thinking?

After writing that email I thought about whats right. Well I have a warm comfortable place to live, that’s something to be incredibly grateful for. I often eat at this wonderful little restaurant for lunch as it calms me,  that I can even afford to do that once a week makes me very lucky, in fact knowing where my next meal is coming from makes me very lucky indeed.

I’m surrounded by people who love me, who would miss me when I’m gone. I live within walking distance to the sea shore which I love, when I’m stressed I can take a candle lit bubble bath…to even have clean running water is something to be thankful for. I have  2 cats  I adore,  a husband that’s supportive, loving and my best friend, and I live in a safe neighborhood.

I’d say I’m  pretty damned lucky, and to complain about everything that’s wrong is like a bratty child who’s screaming because they can’t have the toy they want, when they have an entire room full of toys they barely play with at home. It’s an insult to my life, the life I’ve built for myself.

It’s difficult when emotions take over and paints everything grey, when we feel low…but in those moments we can look around at what what’s right and be thankful for that, I know I will.

Take Care

How to Tell the Difference Between True Positive Thinking and Sugar Coating March 15, 2010

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I think many people, especially those used to negative thinking, regard positive thinking as sugar coating the truth.

The truth is; the world is what you make of it.

If all you see is shit then that’s all you’re going to see. Yes, there’s really horrible stuff happening in the world, but there’s also wonderful stuff too. What matters is where you put your focus.

Ever notice when you’re feeling in a good mood; you’re light on your feet, you listen to the birds singing and the children playing and you feel your heart is full, and you just want to share that with someone. Then you speak to a friend and they talk about how shitty things are, and maybe even get testy with you being in such a good mood when clearly there’s nothing to be happy about. You then feel deflated like someone letting the air out of a balloon, especially if that person you’re speaking with has an important role in your life.

Who is right, the one that sees the world as something to celebrate, or the one who sees the world is full of pain and suffering?

Well they both are but where you put your energy will either suck it out, or fill it up and that’s up to you.

Sugar coating is being in denial, pretending the bad stuff isn’t there. True positive thinking means knowing there’s suffering in the world and accepting it as a part of life, but choosing to focus on what’s good instead.

In your personal life it means accepting the hardships you’ve had in your life, but choosing to be in the now enjoying what this moment has to offer you.

You have a right to be happy, to feel good, to be optimistic about the future and to have fun, that is your right because it’s your life…don’t allow others to influence your outlook with their own stuff.

Take some time out today to play and have some fun…you deserve it 🙂

The Truth Behind Our Fear February 16, 2010

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The theme for this week is about facing our shadow self, our deepest fears so I thought I would talk a bit about what’s at the root of our fear.

What is your deepest fear? Are you afraid to die or be alone? Are you afraid of something but don’t know what it is?

Many people who suffer from panic attacks and anxiety have a general fear they can’t pinpoint (myself included). Anxiety disorders of any sort can often be traced back to childhood and/or a traumatic event. How you develop in  your mothers womb plays a vital role in how your nervous system and brain develops. If your mother was under high stress or went through something traumatic herself while she was pregnant with you, that naturally effects your own development. After you are born other factors play a role such as your environment and how you were treated.

Growing up with abuse of any kind or lack of love or a high stress environment will effect your development. This is where your self esteem, confidence, and sense of safety is nurtured. If these basic needs aren’t met, you automatically develop self defense mechanisms for protection…one of these is never feeling safe and secure, never being able to trust and this leads to anxiety.

Fear comes back to lack of trust, not trusting yourself and not trusting the universe…trust is something that’s developed in childhood. A major part in overcoming anxiety and fear is healing childhood wounds and learning to trust again.

Effective methods for managing anxiety and fears:

  • Diet and exercise–  this is obvious but often overlooked. Stimulants like caffeine, nicotine and sugar can increase anxiety
  • Meditation and yoga – both of these methods help to calm the nervous system and help you connect to your higher self, the self that is undamaged and always trusting
  • Positive thinking – this takes work, it’s hard to break a lifelong habit of negative thinking however it can be done with daily effort
  • Avoid negative people – (I call them negatrons) they will bring you down with them. It’s important to surround yourself with supportive, positive people as it will help strengthen and nurture your self esteem and outlook
  • Learn new things – stimulate your mind by learning new things each day. One good way to educate yourself is to read non-fiction about anything that interests you
  • Avoid drama – pick your battles and know when to stay out of things. A constant need for drama is a lack of focus and passion in your own life, think about what gets your juices flowing and nurture your passion

These are just a few suggestions to help you understand and overcome fear. This is a personal journey and one that will take time so be patient and loving with yourself. It’s like losing weight, it’s not enough to workout once and hope that’s enough, it takes a daily effort to get results…and just like with losing weight, you see results along the way and that keeps you motivated.

10 Ways You Might be Giving Your Power Away January 29, 2010

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Over the past couple of years I’ve been forced to face my fears, each time it came down to how I was giving my power away and not standing confident in my own skin. Many of us do things that drain us of our life force; we give our power away without even realizing we’re doing it.

1. Being a martyr

The martyr is the one who sees themselves as the saviour, the only one who steps in when no one else seems to care, sacrificing themselves for someone in need.

Some of you might think it’s not only good but admirable to give up your own life for the sake of another…it’s not. You aren’t going to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and you definitely aren’t going to help someone by weakening yourself. It doesn’t mean you walk away from someone who’s in distress and needs help, but at some point enough is enough.

I find that people who do this put themselves in a situation that mirrors a past conflict or personal pain. The belief behind it being this time they can make it right and it will exonerate them from their own pain, like a karmic debt however it never works out that way. Worry about yourself and let others walk their chosen path…. sometimes people need to come to things on their own time, in their own way and it’s important to discern when not to interfere.

2. Feeling guilty

Guilt is one of the most draining, disempowering emotion there is, it has its purposes but most often it’s used a tool of manipulation. If someone is trying to make you feel guilty about something you enjoy, don’t listen to them! They have no right to tell you how to live your life, everyone has their own idea about what they consider good or bad but it comes down to what’s right for you. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or another person and it makes you happy then have at it, let others mind their own business.

How I handle these people is to smile and nod and say “thank you I will take that into consideration” and change the subject. The exception to this is if several people are confronting you about a situation, perhaps you should listen.

3. Obsessing over someone’s bad behavior

Some people are assholes…period. In fact, some people get off on making other people miserable, and they aren’t going to change. Constantly complaining about their bad behavior, talking about it with anyone who will listen and feeling victimized by them is like bowing down at their feet and calling them master.

Ignore them, don’t engage…no matter how tempting it is, don’t engage! Ignore them completely and they’ll move on.

4. Believing someone else has the power to make you feel whole/sane/worthy/happy/alive

There is no man or woman who can save you from yourself.

There isn’t anyone you can’t live without.

There isn’t anyone who completes you.

You don’t need anyone to stand on your own two feet and feel strong.

Sometimes someone comes along who sweep us off our feet, we feel energized and like the sun rises and sets just for the two of us. There’s nothing wrong with passion as long as it’s kept in check. Don’t let someone else take over your heart and mind no matter how intoxicating….you can enjoy your own company; you don’t need someone else to feel alive.

The other way we give our power away is by giving someone else all of the credit for our own personal achievements. Catch yourself when you say things like “I couldn’t have done it without them”… yes you could have. Be grateful for the support however take credit for your own accomplishments!

5. Feeling sorry for yourself or someone else

Pity is disempowering; you don’t help anyone by giving them your pity. Give love, give encouragement, give support and compassion but not pity. To pity someone is like taking a vacuum hose and sucking the life right out of them. The same goes for yourself, feeling sorry for yourself does nothing other than keep you stuck, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grieve or feel hurt it means stop feeling like a victim and get proactive.

6. Allowing others to make decisions and/or speak for you

Whether it’s low self-esteem, laziness, not enough time or energy it’s not an excuse for allowing others to run your life. You have it within you to make a good decision, you can do the research, you can use your own intuition, you don’t need someone else to make all of your decisions….stand up for yourself, speak up, don’t let others dominate you.

If you continue to allow others to run your life, ask yourself; do you enjoy living as a slave?

7. Believing everything is love and light, kittens and rainbows

This is disempowering  because denying an essential part of your being is to live in fear of your own nature…. we all have a dark side- we all get angry, we all can be pushed to violent reactions and we all have thoughts that we wouldn’t want anyone to know about…it’s called being human. Life is both dark and light, if you don’t embrace and accept your dark side and the dark side of life you become weak and a victim.

The lion eats the baby gazelle and the mother grieves, but if the lion didn’t eat the gazelle her cubs would starve…that’s just life.

8. Being a doormat

It’s not selfish to say no, you have a right to live your own life and do your own thing. There is no good reason to constantly do what other people tell you to do without question. You’re not being cruel by refusing to put yourself out for someone else. Don’t allow others to walk all over you.

You know what a doormat is for? Cleaning the dirt off the bottom of shoes, don’t let other people wipe their shit on you.

9. Worship

There is not a single person on this planet deserving of your worship. To worship someone is to believe they are better than you, they have something you don’t have, they have something you’re lacking…there  is no guru, priest, rabbi, celebrity, motivational speaker, man woman or child you should ever bow down to or look up to. Nobody knows the secrets of the universe, nobody has all of the answers, nobody is better than you and to worship another is lowering yourself to a subordinate level.

There’s nothing wrong with loving someone’s work and being inspired by them…just know they aren’t greater than you. We each have our own unique gifts and each of us adds something special to this world.

10. Taking the easy way out

It’s easier to follow status quo and do what’s expected, or what’s the least challenging but it deadens your soul. You’re here to fulfill a mission and it’s your mission alone.

How many times have you found yourself giving too much energy to something that’s insignificant? Shying away from our fears is giving our power away because strength comes from overcoming challenges and obstacles. Strength comes from facing our fears head on until we are no longer afraid.

Recognize where you might be giving your power away and take steps to change. The result will be feeling your inner fire and walking tall and strong on your own path.